PENSACOLA, Fla. —President Obama’s controversial healthcare bill, pejoratively referred to as “Obamacare,” suffered a major setback today when a Florida judge ruled against the Affordable Healthcare Act. In a last-minute effort to sway public opinion leading up to the Supreme Court appeal, the Obama Administration rebranded the healthcare bill the “Or You Will Die of Fatness” Bill.
President Obama said today that the majority of health problems in the United States are related to obesity, from heart disease to diabetes to severe unattractiveness. According to the Center for Control and Diseases (CDC), 60% of Americans are overweight and almost 30% are considered obese. More worryingly, the next generation is growing up more and more overweight. Obesity increased from 5 to 10.4% among 2- to 5-year-olds between 1976-1980 and 2007-2008 and from 6.5 to 19.6% among 6- to 11-year-olds.
“Most Americans will die of obesity-related complications,” said the president. “America needs to have health insurance in order defend against this tidal wave of fatness.”
“If Americans are forced to pay for health insurance, they’ll have less money to buy Jimmy Dean sausage patties and chicken wings,” said Marshall Worth, professor of economics at University of Virginia.
Opponents of the bill maintain that the “Or You Will Die of Fatness” Bill treads upon American rights. U.S. District Judge Roger Vinson, who ruled against the bill, argued that the legislation transgressed Constitutional law when it forced individuals to obtain health insurance.
“I applaud the president’s efforts to tackle disgusting fatness,” said Judge Vinson, “but you just can’t legislate against Americans’ God-given right to be irretrievable pigs.”
“You can’t tell me what to do,” said a red-faced, fat woman, who impressively could speak clearly with a cheeseburger and cake in her mouth. “If I want to take a big syringe full of lard and inject it into my heart, punching through the breast plate like John Travolta did to Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, and then die from internal bleeding because I wasn’t covered for that sort of thing, well, that’s my right.”
Thirty-two thousand overweight Americans died of heart attacks upon reading the name of the new bill.