Healthcare Bill Renamed “Or You Will Die of Fatness” Bill

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PENSACOLA, Fla. —President Obama’s controversial healthcare bill, pejoratively referred to as “Obamacare,” suffered a major setback today when a Florida judge ruled against the Affordable Healthcare Act. In a last-minute effort to sway public opinion leading up to the Supreme Court appeal, the Obama Administration rebranded the healthcare bill the “Or You Will Die of Fatness” Bill.

President Obama said today that the majority of health problems in the United States are related to obesity, from heart disease to diabetes to severe unattractiveness. According to the Center for Control and Diseases (CDC), 60% of Americans are overweight and almost 30% are considered obese. More worryingly, the next generation is growing up more and more overweight. Obesity increased from 5 to 10.4% among 2- to 5-year-olds between 1976-1980 and 2007-2008 and from 6.5 to 19.6% among 6- to 11-year-olds.

“Most Americans will die of obesity-related complications,” said the president. “America needs to have health insurance in order defend against this tidal wave of fatness.”

“If Americans are forced to pay for health insurance, they’ll have less money to buy Jimmy Dean sausage patties and chicken wings,” said Marshall Worth, professor of economics at University of Virginia.

Opponents of the bill maintain that the “Or You Will Die of Fatness” Bill treads upon American rights. U.S. District Judge Roger Vinson, who ruled against the bill, argued that the legislation transgressed Constitutional law when it forced individuals to obtain health insurance.

“I applaud the president’s efforts to tackle disgusting fatness,” said Judge Vinson, “but you just can’t legislate against Americans’ God-given right to be irretrievable pigs.”

“You can’t tell me what to do,” said a red-faced, fat woman, who impressively could speak clearly with a cheeseburger and cake in her mouth. “If I want to take a big syringe full of lard and inject it into my heart, punching through the breast plate like John Travolta did to Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, and then die from internal bleeding because I wasn’t covered for that sort of thing, well, that’s my right.”

Thirty-two thousand overweight Americans died of heart attacks upon reading the name of the new bill.

Larry Page Takes Google in New Direction

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Last week, Google???s CEO Eric Schmidt announced that co-founder Larry Page, who briefly served as CEO over a decade ago, would get the top job back in April. The announcement left many wondering what the leadership change would mean for the search giant???s future, but Mr. Page dispelled all rumors with today???s announcement.

???Ice cream. We???re going to make ice cream,??? said Mr. Page. ???We???ve done pretty much all we can do online. It???s time to take those online lessons and apply them offline.???

In a presentation to the media, Mr. Page explained how Google would utilize its repository of behavioral targeting knowledge in-store. Google will record and store consumers??? purchases as well as analyze reactive psychometrics via patented facial and biometric detection technology at the point of purchase. Using this data, Google will serve ice cream tailored to each individual consumer.

The move has some concerned about privacy, since it is not clear where and how data of consumers??? ice cream inclinations are kept.

???How do we know they???re not going to be sharing that information with their partners or with the government???? said Alex Holmes, research director at Forrester Research. ???It???s not anyone???s business if I like mint chocolate chip or Cherry Garcia.???

???The reality is that on-premise software does retain consumer information for some time,??? said Mr. Schmidt. ???We are all in the United States subject to the Patriot Act, so it is possible that information is made available. On the upside, this ice cream is gonna be crazy delicious.???

Some consumers are confused about Google???s transition.

???Google made this???? asked Lela, a 24-year-old law student who tried the experimental ice cream as part of an initial focus group. ???Where???s the search bar????

Already, ice cream purveyors are aflutter about potential anti-competitive takeovers of national ice cream chains like Dairy Queen, Carvel and Baskin Robbins. The Competitive Commission says it is keeping a close eye on Google???s whereabouts in ice cream.

Mr. Page says that Google doesn???t need acquisitions to make its foray into the ice cream industry, but that, if they wanted, they could buy them all, including the Competitive Commission and the American government, because they are ???insanely rich.???

Egyptian Blackout Due to Crappy ATT Service

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Cairo, Egypt – Phone and internet service across Egypt stalled Thursday last week. Most blamed President Mubarak for the disruption, but new evidence suggests that the blame lies with ATT.

Eighty-five percent of Egyptians subscribe to ATT, a service provider notorious for having poor service. Half of those subscribers recently purchased the iPhone 4, a handheld device with highly publicized design problems that further limit its connectivity.

“The problem is that the country is not used to having such inconsistent coverage,” said political strategist Katherine Ashmore. “Americans are used to losing service, but this is something new for Egyptians.”

“This is not some government conspiracy,” said President Mubarak. “I’m actually totally willing to step down, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone to let them know because my bars have been at zero. I knew we should have held out for Verizon.”

The youth-led protests have been organized largely through the use of social networking sites. It is believed that mobile and internet traffic spiked on Thursday, the day before Egypt’s “Day of Rage,” a planned, nationwide protest against the incumbent president and his government. ATT’s flimsy network could not sustain the sudden volume.

“It was the last straw,” said protester Abasi Sawalha. “I’m college-educated and hard-working. Those in power are keeping from me what I deserve. When all my bars went out on my iPhone 4, I just lost it.”

Though wireless service now has been restored, protesters have refrained from using the internet or their phones when organizing tomorrow’s “March of Millions” for fear of another blackout. Instead, they have been using smoke signals and carrier pigeons.

“Far more reliable,” said Mohamed ElBaradei, Nobel Peace Prize Winner and leading opposition figure.

An ATT spokesperson said that if the country signed on for two more years, they would receive the iPhone 5 at minimal discount. Egypt agreed.